Monday, December 30, 2013













Saturday, December 7, 2013

this is at some priority

where free time [should] be wasted time [should] be spent wisely

~video games~

i have issues with motivation in starting a game up


i have issues with keeping going in a storyline


i have adhd of focus on ~just one~


so, here's where I am...  most interesting prospect is sticking with Dragon Quest 8 (seen here)

with a few nightly escapades in Fatal Frame (here)

both of which would be played on my somewhat freshly modified PS2, tho both games I actually own

"arg, but ye used to be a pirate, matey!"

so I've matured maybe ? hah ?

slightly less tugged toward mass effect on a ps3, (when i'm in that room, and not into streaming video content) and some more on the indie side, such as The Cave (also ps3), which is very kewl, at least with a second player playing with me...

so...  I think I'm just REALLY lazy, I can't even waste time well...  lets go for pushing my DQ8 playtime to 10 hours tonight, eh?  "YOU CAN DO IT"

and either way...

~peace~  :P

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

so i went there

not the first inspiration on my mind, but i guess it was the most recent...

its interesting what paths this opens up...  or at least as it would appeal to some inner sense...



Sunday, October 13, 2013

let me...

let me be poor
   ...and independent
let me be...
   free from debt
let me
   hold charity as a #1 priority
let me...
   burden none for a time
let me be humble...
   ...and die with secrets
let me speak riddles
   that do not rhyme

"quite some lofty notions, duff"

yes, I will try

oh, and ~peace~

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

it tickles my mind... sometimes gently...

Mental illness...  Coming from my perspective, as [most recently diagnosed as] a paranoid schizophrenic.  If I could only understand what happened at those points that initiated those episodes.  If I could only understand and pinpoint the declination into delusion during those roughly 2-4 week spans of time.

It has, honestly, frustrated me when I try to analyze myself in these ways, [with] my therapist, and being [however gently] cut off with the answer, "it's just your brain chemistry"...  There is logic to this madness, if only I can sense it.  Taoism stayed with me, cuz it has never failed to connect the dots upon my reflections and contemplations.  "Its rising is not bright.  Its setting is not dark."  oh how I love contemplating such as this.  (tao te ching, ch14)

Just like that, I enter into that psychotic episode state, yet with my sanity with me.  It's no different than the last moment, its not unlike my episodes that ended up with my involuntary hospitalizations.  I can't pinpoint when I arrived, and I see not an end, tho I know this is different [and the same] as yesterday.

Perhaps one negative to there being a diagnoses for this state, would be that thoughts can be feared.  What kind of thoughts?  Different thoughts?  Sacred thoughts?  Insanely normal thoughts?  Why am I still sane this time, and not declining into unnamed delusions.  "Surely you are doing well on your medication regimen, and your brain chemistry is balanced enough now for you to work on making ur life worth[while] and worth living" says a hypothetical [other] one and causing a tickling of frustration, and at the same time a desire to make more art.

What is art?  Could any true self expression [welling up from source] by way of any medium at all be deemed art?  Well, I wouldn't have asked it, had I not wanted to lead ur thoughts there.  Does that make me manipulative?  But isn't that art?

What about myself?  Fear I assume is a staple of paranoid schizophrenia.  Should myself be excluded from this "realm of fears".  Certainly, I'd lean towards thinking not.  So how to be balanced and safe, in this realm that I have somehow created for myself with a figurative snap of my fingers.

How would I turn around or proceed to the end of this tunnel.  It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.  Words given me from a previous teacher/mentor from college who was of the buddhist background, whilst I was interviewing him for a philosophy assignment/paper, and asked him "Does God exist?"

Maybe thats a center of sorts.  A base or foundation where I can simple BE and let things settle, much how muddy water can become clear.

Its the same as yesterday, I suppose, but I wanted to create today, and tomorrow is yet a different new.

Till next time,


Monday, September 2, 2013

a self had the shadow

started with lines

drew from spaces...

...posted tonight...


Saturday, August 10, 2013

this whole idea of having a blog is something of a trip i think

today is what... like...  31 days i think.  And being past midnight, I think I can say I've been tobacco free for a whole month now, and no cheating!  Yippee.

what a worthless post this is or will be...  no direction, just blah.

Well, guess i'll update for the heck of it.

I backed out of that Host position after being trained for it and doing it one day.  Not my cup of tea.  To use some words from my therapist, I think I'll continue to value being "low key".  Nothing wrong with that right?  I mean, like, if I were going around expressing myself all the time, I'd just be condensing potentialities into little points and such, and I'd be imperceptible to the Void....  and really, who needs that?

I keep 'not acting' tho, which I am unsure how I feel about.  Like in this moment, I have a perfectly vague idea for a piece of artwork, and I'm sitting here typing instead of drawing.  I may actually condense that idea into this blog soon, maybe, via that ArtRage 4 which I did purchase.

I'm not doing enough, me thinks, but then I question, what do I need to do?  Such questions such as in the existence direction have I presently.

Well, I am so enjoying this vaping.  Currently smoking Organic Naked Vanilla and Organic Kona Velvet Milkshake from, which is all fine and good and stuffs.  And I've just placed a new order for Mint Chocolate Chip and Peanut Butter Banana Sandwich also from

As finances go, I made a few phone calls, and the 2 debts i was saving for currently, just... simply... don't exist now.  so.  I took those funds that I had saved and pre-ordered a ps4.  And I'm #lookingatthebrightside and I think preordering a ps4 is a better purchase than 4 kewl new watches, or some such logic was actually used there....

where am I anyway...  why am I here?

at least I don't have any qualms about death after all this is said and done  :)

so till next time,


Thursday, July 18, 2013

is this simplifying? surely its a step, if slow...

From my previous plan, it's, at this point, trying to cement a daily meditation session within my life/days.  I feel like I'm moving in the direction i'd like to, however slowly.  Meditating more so, has got me thinking of myself and stuff as they relate to each other.  In simplifying, I'm finding the meaninglessness of excessive 'stuff', and I'm looking for what's left when that 'stuff' is removed, at least within my mind.  Surely, I am not my 'stuff.'  Somewhat of a negative perspective, I'm not left with so much in this thinking.  A more optimistic angle would be more freedom, seeing myself as unencumbered and/or bound when considering 'stuff/things'.

I am not, nor do I see myself, evolving towards getting rid of what I already own, but I'll probably spend more time/meditation in these considerations.  Some thoughts of returning [to myself] to enjoy life, are basically summed up in a visualization of sitting along some body of water, on grass, with nature.  Some possibilities to just enjoy time, such as going to the theater, visiting the library, walking around the mall, don't really resonate with me.  I guess, I really miss nature.  Maybe I should plant an idea somewhere in my mind to move back to the country some where/time.  I know I enjoy mountains more so than coast, as far as that thinking goes.

Well, more to the 'here and now,' I'm really enjoying vaping, as what I had previously known as e-cigs.  Guess I was out of the loop with the whole evolution of this technology 'till now.  I don't plan to try to cut back on the nicotine any time soon, as my last attempts at doing that with my earlier 'ecigs' failed last I tried. Today is day 9 of no real tobacco, and vs. the last tobacco-free stretch of 6 weeks, I have not cheated at all with actual tobacco.

and that's what i'll say, and [    ]'s what i won't  :P

but i'll say this, too:


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

well, i'd keep in mind emptiness

then i'd determine to deal with the fear of returning to thoz spzes

perahpz a sum of parts leaden detaIls, too

momentz, for spimples-ake

birds Ond swings

power memories share

actionz ackTd, foughts fade

dwepth in-ouT WiTHiN

calm retaind

communication saved [?]

and resolved a clicky

backed by earlier patterns

to be retained


and tHere


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

too much potential... i'll meditate in a few, i will...

sure, i've been meditating...  every day?  well today, I will...  must...  focus...

i think 50% of days i've been doing the 30 minutes sitting thing...  could be better...

well, this is the right direction, i'm sure...  quite

well today will be #1...  no tobacco, real cigs, black and milds...

one day, only yet begun, but yah, I'll count today as #1...

In other news, I was asked to become a Hostess at work...  well, apparently, a guy has never taken this position in anyone's memory, so I just finished my 4 days of training...  to be a HOST, darnit  :P

Friday and Monday will be my first days alone in this role, with a full weekend off in between (?!?!) well that's a good start.  Then yesterday I was asked which position I'd prefer once the new dietary company (as of march) implements it's intended changes.  I opted to think about it, at least until I perform this new Host position on my own Friday.

And as how meditation has been influencing my personal gunk...  At this point, I'm heading in the direction away from a ps4 or ipad5...  away, i say...  "let's simplify"...  "let's be at peace with myself"...  "let's be content with what is"...  lets....

puff this bad boy again  :)



Saturday, June 22, 2013

portraiture in time

did i use that word correctly ?  go ahead, correct me, I dare ya  :P

Well, I came across an idea, so I can't claim it as my own thought, but I'll use it however, cuz I resonated well with it.  At the same time, I found a way to use some more of my charity funds.  These beauties:

But wait, its charity?  Yes, the thoughtform as I have adapted goes like:

    I carry around one or more (tho I like the idea of one at a time) in a pocket, and whenever I feel like letting it go, I leave it around wherever and whenever I choose.  Subtly being to my liking.  I haven't been remembering lately at the start of my days, tho maybe this post will help.  So far, I pocketed a nice little rose quartz and it had its own mind of where/when to part ways, as I have no idea what happened to it....  beautiful  :)

But charity?  My simple version of the thought is that finding a pretty polished stone may brighten someone's day or something like that.

Ok, I'll go ahead and balance the charity with -vanity-(?) i guess.  I have little clue how to sport this yet, but the idea of having a bracelet (a men's bracelet at least), just for the sake of having a bracelet on my wrist, has played at the back of my mind for some time now.  So I went ahead and took the plunge!  haha

Here's a representation of it:

Found it to be a fairly cheap way to satisfy that mental itch, and found it at while browsing.  Ok, what else...

I have been meditating more regularly the past few weeks or so, then ever I have in my life's recollection.  So that's good, maybe vain, but I was already displaying that, wasn't I?

Pssht, lemme stop...

till next time,


Friday, June 7, 2013

~a reason~

it's like one of those moments that when you grasp, it becomes you, and then you don't know what your holding on to...


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

for my purposes of admitting im lazy...

"hey, i'm lazy?!"

right, well, that's what i'm fixing to work on.

So this is just a quick update, if for nothing else, than to try to hold myself more accountable to myself.  I have a basic and pretty simple plan to implement, but i've been slacking at least the past 2 days on it.  Maybe I could say I was sidetracked as an excuse, with computer project.  In the process of encrypting everything, i guess for the same reason I tend to use more so than  And complications came, so I formatted my system partition of desktop and reinstalled windows 7 the other night.  No worries, I like fresh starts, and my computer deserved some loving.  Which is also why I upgraded it with a couple harddrives and a nicer working card reader.

Dangit, I'm supposed to be holding myself accountable here, and I tangentially excuse myself by rambling.  Ok, so the plan.

I want to do At Least one (or more) of the following items every day:

1)meditate (i'd like to do at least 30 minutes, if i go this route)
2)draw a picture (however long that takes, even if I don't finish it in one sitting/day)
3)a contact juggling practice session (at least 1hr for this option)

This idea took shape by wanting to feel more productive and/or satisfied with how i spend each day.  There's tons of other stuff I could add, but I fer sure would want to iron out this basic foundation before complicating things.

Other items that may be added to pass more quality time, would be reading (fiction or nonfiction, hah, could be two categories/items for those), and playing video games.  I could retire right now and finish my life just playing games I already own.

I guess in the scheme of things, at this point, I'm trying to implement a budget for time, as my budget for finances has taught me a bit about managing that, which, as they say time is money, should be able to help me with time too.

Things could be worse, but I'll think them getting better.


Monday, May 20, 2013

"it came from the mind"

or something, somethin, er otha-

I'd like to think there's meaning there'a'bouts, if only to me.


Monday, May 13, 2013

i can tell ya this:

the wacom tablet was not a wasted expense...

cuz i am enjoying it  :)

(maybe click the picture to make it bigger?)


Monday, May 6, 2013

and i'll keep posting

I hope we survive a bit longer.

More in practical terms, I've been thinking of what I can do with whatever little bit of power I have in this world.  With what money i have to 'dispose' of.  This YNAB (You Need A Budget) software has been helping me quite a bit, and I've been keeping my finances abiding to the terms I put in every 2 weeks or so.  I've really made great strides in paying off my debts.  In the span of something less than 6 months, I see myself moving forward with 2 debts to work with.  A personal loan from a friend that I should not have accepted, neither here nor there, I suppose, and my student loan from attending ITT Tech, which I should not have attended (graduated 4.0 with valedictorian status, and nothing in the way of that career to show for it).  Well, the personal loan was also in that direction, to get my A+ certification, which I studied for and paid to take the two exams, and passed em both, and am now A+ certified for the rest of my life, before the deadline took place, making those certs last only 2 years.  Yippee...  again, I don't have a career in that field, so i guess its a flashy card in my wallet now.  Money is so strange, makes ppl do the darndest things.

I have finished saving the sum of money agreed upon between my ex-wife and I for the divorce, and she'll be visiting this coming weekend to get my financial portion in the form of a check.  Maybe I should feel guilty for not doing the grunt work for the divorce myself?  meh, it started with her asking me to pay the majority of it, and it may or may not come to that.  Divorce by publication seems to be the avenue we're going.  Perhaps I'm beyond guilt anyway with that adventure.

Hey, what do you know, I remember where I was going.  This YNAB software is really helping me  :)  I've recently been crunching numbers about how my current income from a humble food service job can sustain myself when I finally move out.  I'll be pursuing Section 8, is my plan, and it appears I can make it work.  I plan on getting to the point (sooner, rather than later) of being ahead of my debts, so that I am allocating my future rent/living expenses as my Emergency fund (minus what I am paying my father for room/board now).  After moving out on my own, I wanna keep a trickle of 25/per paycheck going into emergency fund, and such and such etc's.

Oh yea, this is where I was going:  So starting from most recent budget homework, I've started a charity category within my budget.  If I can keep it up, at the rate I am starting at now, it's just 10 bux per paycheck (20 dollars/month).  But how does one decide how to use such funds?  This is where I am now...  I'm not worried about being lazy, so long as I keep it up, the funds will be there to disperse as I choose and when I choose.  Part of my thinking is keep the charity funds local, like within my community.  I'm not involved with any church/religion or such.  Donating within a global context is an option.  I dunno.  But this is now a concern of mine, as to how to work my budget to survive on my own for the remainder of my life (hey, i am only 33 :P) and also be able to direct what power (see: money) into the world as would fit my life's cares or whatnot.

Ok then, how'd I type so much?  ah, the mysteries  :P


Monday, March 18, 2013

i sense

a seed within.

and all you get

are these pictures



Thursday, February 14, 2013

~reinforce their centers~

From time to time, those or other words from the Tao surface in my consciousness, so short and sweet, thought I'd share.  My translation of choice uses "reinforcing their centers" in chapter 3, which it titles ch3 "KEEPING PEACE".  (Translation by R.L. Wing)

To be 'correct(?)', I found an online translation I can quote, so I'll give you that chapter 3 translation:

Chapter 3
Do not glorify the achievers
So the people will not squabble
Do not treasure goods that are hard to obtain
So the people will not become thieves
Do not show the desired things
So their hearts will not be confused
Thus the governance of the sage:
Empties their hearts
Fills their bellies
Weakens their ambitions
Strengthens their bones
Let the people have no cunning and no greed
So those who scheme will not dare to meddle
Act without contrivance
And nothing will be beyond control
(Translation by Derek Lin, and Tao Te Ching: Annotated & Explained, published by SkyLight Paths in 2006)

I'd do well to center myself again.  I guess in keeping with this blog's story.  I gave that casio g-shock in black and gold to my youngest step son for his birthday last month.  Still own the PC I snapped a pic of.  Hmm, I'm not sure if I'd be better off with less (minimal) of possessions.  The stick?  It's ironic, it was utterly easy to come into possession of, just picking it up off the forest floor.  But the sentimental aspects, I think i'd not classify as easy.

One off and on fantasy I have is to become invisible to the majority of the humans I pass and whom passes me.  Wonder what that'd be like.  Like, maybe just flashing in and out of the masses of awarenesses.  Would be neat, if I could step in and out at will, too.  Hmm.  Anyways

As quoted above, 'Fills their bellies' is the line that I perceive relates to 'reinforcing their centers'.  I very much, also, like the idea of having an ability to calm one's desires, open their minds, reinforce their centers, strengthening their characters.

To have both these abilities?  If there is a potential there for me, perhaps I'd give up 'the stick' for that, eh.

I'm glad I posted today.  I feel better.

Oh, happy valentines day, in case anyone didn't get one today  :)


Monday, January 7, 2013

subtly impatient...

It's true I didn't purchase that new art program, but I'm nonetheless itching to do more art.  And I didn't want to proceed without finishing the last one.  Oh how hair trips me up tho.  I did enough to call it finished, in my opinion, and I guess i'll just hope my future drawings of 'hair' will improve. haha.  Lemme shuttup, here's the product.

HB lead in lead holder, for outline/sketch - 2H pencil for the 'drawing' i guess

I wouldn't mind my next picture being of the same girl.  So we'll see what happens.

Ah, progress, I think  :P


Friday, January 4, 2013

if at first...

The holidays had cigarettes in them, and I succumbed during the season.  But I've started again, and today is so far my 3rd day without tobacco.  If at first ya~ yea, agreed.  :P

So many blurays in my season.  Notable additions to my collection are the starwars complete saga and the alien anthology.  There's a few others, but that's the gist.  My bro gifted me with a used gba sp (with brighter screen) in graphite, to replace my beat up pearl blue one with very poor shoulder button control.  Other than that, I purchased a budget program, You Need A Budget (YNAB).  I set it up with what I had in my checking, and have since added a few bills and goals and debts, oh and an actual paycheck as of today.

I'm looking forward to building a checking account balance, while this YNAB keeps track of what money's for what.  This is definitely what I was needing to proceed with my plans, including moving into my own apartment --(this year 2013 possibly).

Oh and today was interesting, tho I didn't have to work.  I had to go to an orientation at Court for my first day of Jury duty, as I was summoned for that recently.  (I blame my brother, had to talk me into voting for the past 2 elections, haha).  I decided I'd attempt to be excused/waived from that duty, and just go with the flow, and do it the best I could, if I had to.  Talked to the judge, explained I had schizophrenia, been on meds a while, but have still been hospitalized [while on meds].  He had no problem excusing me from serving the jury duty.  So, that was definitely interesting.

The biggest bummer at the moment, is I was itching to try a new digital art program that is supposed to do well at simulating real art tools/paints and such, but alas, my ideal budget right now tells me that has to wait.

I'm ok tho, in the name of my future  :)

Alright, so what else, I'm still alive and 'doing something, somewhere'.