Wednesday, September 11, 2013

it tickles my mind... sometimes gently...

Mental illness...  Coming from my perspective, as [most recently diagnosed as] a paranoid schizophrenic.  If I could only understand what happened at those points that initiated those episodes.  If I could only understand and pinpoint the declination into delusion during those roughly 2-4 week spans of time.

It has, honestly, frustrated me when I try to analyze myself in these ways, [with] my therapist, and being [however gently] cut off with the answer, "it's just your brain chemistry"...  There is logic to this madness, if only I can sense it.  Taoism stayed with me, cuz it has never failed to connect the dots upon my reflections and contemplations.  "Its rising is not bright.  Its setting is not dark."  oh how I love contemplating such as this.  (tao te ching, ch14)

Just like that, I enter into that psychotic episode state, yet with my sanity with me.  It's no different than the last moment, its not unlike my episodes that ended up with my involuntary hospitalizations.  I can't pinpoint when I arrived, and I see not an end, tho I know this is different [and the same] as yesterday.

Perhaps one negative to there being a diagnoses for this state, would be that thoughts can be feared.  What kind of thoughts?  Different thoughts?  Sacred thoughts?  Insanely normal thoughts?  Why am I still sane this time, and not declining into unnamed delusions.  "Surely you are doing well on your medication regimen, and your brain chemistry is balanced enough now for you to work on making ur life worth[while] and worth living" says a hypothetical [other] one and causing a tickling of frustration, and at the same time a desire to make more art.

What is art?  Could any true self expression [welling up from source] by way of any medium at all be deemed art?  Well, I wouldn't have asked it, had I not wanted to lead ur thoughts there.  Does that make me manipulative?  But isn't that art?

What about myself?  Fear I assume is a staple of paranoid schizophrenia.  Should myself be excluded from this "realm of fears".  Certainly, I'd lean towards thinking not.  So how to be balanced and safe, in this realm that I have somehow created for myself with a figurative snap of my fingers.

How would I turn around or proceed to the end of this tunnel.  It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.  Words given me from a previous teacher/mentor from college who was of the buddhist background, whilst I was interviewing him for a philosophy assignment/paper, and asked him "Does God exist?"

Maybe thats a center of sorts.  A base or foundation where I can simple BE and let things settle, much how muddy water can become clear.

Its the same as yesterday, I suppose, but I wanted to create today, and tomorrow is yet a different new.

Till next time,

~peace~

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